Exclusive: Bruce Stormtrooper Tells All

On a Friday night in Mos Eisley, I catch up with a certain Sith in a cantina not so far, far, away. His purple Hawaiian shirt seems to glow in the dim light, as does his white helmet. The crisp voracity of his voice, and frequent use of the word “gurr,” startles the band. But with one finger snap and jaunty raise of his cold margarita glass, everyone realizes it’s just Bruce – their most unlikely customer.

While protocol droids are not allowed in, Bruce is the first openly ridiculous stormtrooper from  Lord Darth Vader’s regiment on the Death Star to bridge the gap between the Jedi and Sith communities. His bubbly personality has won him legions of allies  –  even Yoda admitted to a "Dark Side crush" on him. In an exclusive interview, Bruce dishes about his cranky boss and a certain flame-throwing love in his life.

Q. What is the bar scene like on the Death Star? Ugh, total snoozefest. The Jar-Jar just opened and its fun but it’s all twinky kids out of their minds. Give me a good piano bar any day.

Q. What’s your favorite drink? There’s a place on the station called The Super Laser. They serve a drink called, “I have a bad feeling about this.” Legally, they can’t tell you what’s in it but you only need one.

Q. Is Darth really as big of a bitch as he seems? Vay can be a diva, between you and me, he tow up murdered his wife for getting him a non-fat skinny mocha with soy instead of a fat-free skinny mocha with soy.

Q. Do you have a special someone in your life? There is this guy. He’s a bounty hunter. What can I say, I like ‘em bad. He doesn’t talk much, but you can cut the tension with a lightsaber. I can’t say his name but he gets me all a fetter, I mean flutter.

Q. What is your idea of the perfect romantic evening? Call me old-fashioned, but take me to the slopes of Hoth all day and a lodge for some Imperial hot chocolate. And the room can’t be complete without a Wampa rug.

Q. And finally, who wears a metal bikini best: Princess Leia or Lando Calrissian? Let me say for the record, that princess is crazy. I mean she wears cinnamon rolls on her head. If that’s not a sign of an eating disorder I don’t know what is. Crazy though she may be, gurr can wear the hell out of a bikini. Winner Leia, just don’t tell Lando. He fills it out really well.

Have a Heart, Xtina

Christina Aguilera is no longer fat. There, I’ve finally admitted it.

For three months since she debuted a slimmer figure on “The Voice,” I hoped the weight loss was a phase. Maybe her current boy toy forgot to buy her weekly bag of Cheetos. Or a mega roll of sugar cookie dough complete with little sugar dough baby. But no, the traitor didn’t forget once, or twice. He forgot for several months, the bastard.

Would I ever watch Xtina belt out “At Last” with “self-tanner” running down her leg again? What about her wrecked blonde weave as she writhed in a bandage leotard, looking like she stuck her finger in an electric socket?

To my delight, I can still have all of that – minus the extra calories. I’m glad Christina is a healthy weight again, since the extra pounds may have put her at risk of heart disease, the number one killer of women in America. More than 42 million women in this country currently live with it everyday – and often go undiagnosed or treated, leading to more early deaths than men. These women could prevent or lessen the affects of heart disease by working out, eating right, and maintaining a healthy weight.

Now I didn’t mean to get all Dr. Joanne on you. I just don’t want Christina to die, because then how will I be able to make fun of her?

This, my friends, is the only reason I’m supporting my sister Evamarie Spataro’s American Heart Association Walk on September 22, 2012. She needs to raise $300 by September 15. I told her I’m only doing this for Xtina, not her, and she said I'm the worst sibling in America.

I’m not sure what Eva meant by that last part, but please heed my warning: Don’t sit back while Christina Aguilera inevitably gains the weight back, putting herself at risk for a coronary. Give her a reason to keep working out, to fit into those horrible denim cut-offs and American flag cardigan.

Please give all of your quarters to Eva's cause here: http://heartwalk.kintera.org/charlottenc/evamariespataro

From the bottom of Xtina’s cookie dough-filled heart, thank you.