Exclusive: Bruce Stormtrooper Tells All

On a Friday night in Mos Eisley, I catch up with a certain Sith in a cantina not so far, far, away. His purple Hawaiian shirt seems to glow in the dim light, as does his white helmet. The crisp voracity of his voice, and frequent use of the word “gurr,” startles the band. But with one finger snap and jaunty raise of his cold margarita glass, everyone realizes it’s just Bruce – their most unlikely customer.

While protocol droids are not allowed in, Bruce is the first openly ridiculous stormtrooper from  Lord Darth Vader’s regiment on the Death Star to bridge the gap between the Jedi and Sith communities. His bubbly personality has won him legions of allies  –  even Yoda admitted to a "Dark Side crush" on him. In an exclusive interview, Bruce dishes about his cranky boss and a certain flame-throwing love in his life.

Q. What is the bar scene like on the Death Star? Ugh, total snoozefest. The Jar-Jar just opened and its fun but it’s all twinky kids out of their minds. Give me a good piano bar any day.

Q. What’s your favorite drink? There’s a place on the station called The Super Laser. They serve a drink called, “I have a bad feeling about this.” Legally, they can’t tell you what’s in it but you only need one.

Q. Is Darth really as big of a bitch as he seems? Vay can be a diva, between you and me, he tow up murdered his wife for getting him a non-fat skinny mocha with soy instead of a fat-free skinny mocha with soy.

Q. Do you have a special someone in your life? There is this guy. He’s a bounty hunter. What can I say, I like ‘em bad. He doesn’t talk much, but you can cut the tension with a lightsaber. I can’t say his name but he gets me all a fetter, I mean flutter.

Q. What is your idea of the perfect romantic evening? Call me old-fashioned, but take me to the slopes of Hoth all day and a lodge for some Imperial hot chocolate. And the room can’t be complete without a Wampa rug.

Q. And finally, who wears a metal bikini best: Princess Leia or Lando Calrissian? Let me say for the record, that princess is crazy. I mean she wears cinnamon rolls on her head. If that’s not a sign of an eating disorder I don’t know what is. Crazy though she may be, gurr can wear the hell out of a bikini. Winner Leia, just don’t tell Lando. He fills it out really well.